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Summer Reading List

What I'm reading the rest of the summer, in order. Some are rereads.

Finish in between other books- The FemDom Experience, The Mistress Manual and Female Dominance: Rituals and Practices

Finish- Base Instincts

Jung: A Very Short Introduction

The Prince

Against Depression

The Constants of Nature


Superstrings and Other Things

Owner of a Lonely Heart

Opened up to the new boy last night about some of my secrets. Feel like an idiot, of course. I always regret opening up to people when I know I shouldn't. I always hope it's going to be magically different. Posturing feels like a trap. I hate pretending the dark parts don't even exist. Why is truth not only abnormal but inappropriate in these cases? It's stifling and someday I want one person to really get me.

I'm realizing I'm already questioning the relationship that is developing with the boy. I'm annoyed by the fact that he wants to be not good enough, he wants to be an inferior boy to an extreme femme. I'm not an extreme femme and the preoccupation that some have with such bores me. I don't want him to be an inferior boy. I want him to be a submissive man. I want him to want to fuck me, be dying to fuck me, and beg to do it. He instead prefers sexual acts that are subservient.

Then I watched The Break-up and it is so funny how it is exactly like the situation with my ex. I tried a million ways to get through to him until I had no more try left. He wanted so badly to "get it" and he loved me so much. It is hard to forget him. In theory it seems so easy that he could just change and grow up for how badly he wanted me to stay.
Feel so disgusting right now. Went shopping, was depressing. Still have not lost any weight, have been exercising and eating healthy but obviously not to an intense degree.

Bought a blood glucose machine. Am trying to confirm if I do in fact have hypoglycemia and/or hypotension. At this point both are a possibility. Blacked out recently, most likely due to one or the other or both.
I am so in disgust with myself. So in fuck when I need the outlet. Never in love.

Self-hatred is a daily. It gets so redundant. I just want to be normal. I'm just trying to do normal day to day shit and just for a second the thought creeps in, "Look at you."
I want to cry and break things all at once. I want to break myself. I want to shave my head. I want to run and run, but my iPod's broken. I want to throw up every thing I eat. I want to sleep forever. I want to cut myself. I certainly don't want to meet my friends tonight. I certainly don't want to talk to any boys.

Feb. 7th, 2009

I really miss being able to go to the gym. I guess I'm so fucking posh, I love the treadmill, the exercise bike and weight resistance machines better than anything else.
I am seriously thinking about doing nothing but sleeping all weekend. Then I couldn't eat. I used to live like that.

I bought a few healthy foods (yogurt, tuna pouches, 10 cal jello) because I am trying to do the eating 4-5 times a day again because I know it is what works.

I bought delicious omega rich, high protein, low sugar peanut butter. What a horrible idea. I just had to throw it away and I absolutely hate myself.

The more frustrated I feel about not losing more than 5 lb in the last month, the more I want to eat. I wish I could turn of the drive to binge due to emotion or boredom.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate this.
I just ate a parfait from McDonald's, half of a double cheeseburger and half of a large fry. This totals 630 calories. Yesterday I ate a lot because I ate dinner at my parent's house. Lunch though, which I ate to help curb my bad hangover, was very pleasing at only 340 calories for a fresco bean burrito and a fresco steak taco from Taco Bell!
(I read that the high protein in steak makes it a good weight-loss food)

On Saturday I ate 4 wings from Bdubs and Friday I ate 2 McDonald's parfaits @ 320 total.

I have been working out on my new Wii Fit game! It is so damn fun! I worked out for about 2 hours on Saturday, recuperated from my hangover and sore muscles on Sunday, and worked out for an hour today. I honestly love working out so much once I find a way to make time for it again, and get used to it.

My coworker might work out with me. Which could be fantastic because he used to cage fight so he likes to work out hard and for hours at a time also. However he is newly single and was totally trying to lay the moves on me when we were all out on Saturday so we will see if that keeps us from spending that much time together. I'm feeling pretty lonely (and horny and impressionable) and I do not want to go there with him, he's not my type LOL...

Jan. 14th, 2009

Well yesterday was a good day.  Only had an intake of about 300 calories.  Yogurt and a fruit cup.  Drinking a Cafe Mocha from Starbucks right now.  The snow is coming down looking like cottonballs and I was freezing on campus.
Here's the thing about that.  You freeze your ass off to get to class and then you sit there for an hour and then when you leave you realize you didn't even warm up.
Anyway next time I think I'll get a Cappucino @ 140 calories instead of 290 for the Mocha.

I decided I'm eating one meal a day.  Some days will be tiny meals like the one I ate yesterday.  Fasting was not working for me.  But I need to stop binge eating and unfortunately the best way to succeed is to plan ahead and make rules that you can follow. 

Jan. 11th, 2009

I ate too much this weekend. blah.  I am nervous about the start of the semester because I am going to have long days and I am worried about getting to work on time right after class.
My back hurts.

just ate

I just ate.  I've been going crazy with hunger.  Feeling wicked bitchy and I even forgot my pin number to my debit card.  What the hell is that?
I just ate 1/2 of a bacon cheddar gordita crunch and 1/2 of a spicy chicken burrito.  Adds up to 500 calories.

I looked up 6 boneless bw3 wings it says about 320 calories.  I am not going to eat even a bite of cake I don't care if its rude I don't really like cake anyway.
I am also going to drink light beer.  :)



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